#28 Lyfe

What's lyfe without pain?
Sorrow?
or even... happiness?

Getting all the things that you've been asking for?
(Haha sike...) You won't get to fulfill each and every thing you wish for.

How you wish!

But then I suddenly realise something about lyfe, what?
Lyfe sucks because...
Lyfe isn't always as good as it seems.

When we're having fun or daydreaming maybe, time flies so fast.
But when we're having problems or stressed out, time is ticking very slowly.
You know what I mean?

Temporary.
Yes, Lyfe is temporary.

You either make it happen or stay in that lane, where you're currently standing right now.

You remember those lines, do you?

Exploring igstories, found a couple of friend whom I perceived them as my childhood bestfriends... is just saddening. Looking at how happy they are without me, makes me feel sad and useless.

What is going on with me...
I know. Maybe it's just my words.
What should I do about it?
Keep my mouth shut, I guess...?

For how long,
till I am not able to speak, like for real.

I have always been quiet.
Not knowing where and how to start a convo with a friend, classmate or even anyone.
It sucks, you know?
Like I keep losing a friend, one by one slowly.
All because of my wrong words or actions I took.

I did apologise. But all those apologies are just apologies, they don't meant anything different for them. I could really see it. Everyone of my friend is having fun and living a happy life right now, but what about me....?

I always question myself, where did I go wrong, how can I talk to them back, how can I gain my confidence to talk naturally or normally to people... I just keep giving up and I do not know where to go to.

I don't even know what I am good at or what I like to do.
No hobbies. No lyfe.
No friends. Nothing.

So, in the end I ended up being er day sad and yup, depressed and all that overthinking stuffs.
I don't even read books cause I am bad at english, haha. I am not even a TV person or a movie-goers, I just watch according to my mood or if someone wanna watch then I accompany that kind of thing. Or if I really interested, then I will watch if not, I won't.

Lyfe has been hard in RP. I hate school, the environment, food price, the rules, the learning habits or homework lifestyle, everything even the modules or the course I am taking... just not my interest at all. What more can I do? My lyfe is empty without friends. I am just living my day passing just like that without having a thought to find a inner interest in myself.

So, get a friend.
A friend that you can really talk to, like naturally and most importantly, make crazy moments with you, laughing and be there when you needed help or being emotionally sad. It's very hard to find that kind of a friend, so yeah. If you do have at least one, just stay true with that one person, you will never know what she can do for you in future, she might even cry for you when you're living a happy life knowing that you're doing good.

Because lyfe isn't always seems good as it looks.
Look at yourself.
Don't look down.
Look up.

You've always been there for yourself.
Even though you're lonely and yah with no one else by your side.
You know that god is there.
He'll always waiting for you to pray to him.

It's never too late to be happy.
Get real.
Get motivated and move on with lyfe.
Although it hurts, you just have to suck it up like my friend said.

Fall now, gain later.
Talk to you later :)

#27 square one

Skipped blogging for the past February.
So say Haii to our friend here, 1st March.
Hoping everything's gonna be okay.

It's kinda sad.
Sad to say.
Something that I don't wish to.

Am I really a bad friend?
What did I do again this time?
What else can I do? *sighs*

I'm actually happy to see you happy thru your igstory.
But, at the same time, I felt being ignored by you.
Are you hiding something from me?
I'm sorry that I wasn't really focus or into the mood to talk to you
during one of the days. I was thinking about my test. Thats it.
I haven't prepared anything at all. That makes me think and think and
sometimes lose focus on what you're gonna say to me at Mcdonalds.
Hoping that by coming to Mcdee would actually make your heart
feel better. I know I got reject you before when you ask me to go out with you but
that's because either my parent is at home or I'm busy like legit.
But, I didn't know till today, why you have not yet to reply my ws, message or dm thru ur igstory.

What's my fault here? Did I do something wrong, Ana?
But what I remember, we had fun that day afterall. We walked here and there.
We share jokes, lame ones are mostly by you HAHA.
But yeah, what did i do wrong awak?

Its okay.
Let time heal everything.

I'm happy that my friend could be friends with you.
In case if you need any help, I'll be here.

Besides, it feels so weird rn. You've been absent for madrasah lessons twice.
Maybe you're busy studying for exam. Hm, alright.

Just a sad song to accompany my mood.

                                          Di matamu by Sufian Suhaimi


I hope you will stay healthy. Take care Ana ._.


Hampa plus kecewa,
Pika

#26 back to chapter 1 of a new year

Been a some time I didn't post anything lately at my blog, uhm...
we are all busy right, you see? Yeah, you see I see ;)
Life's bad as usual. I tend to overthink and crying at late nights till
I get to sleep comfortably.
I always did that to release all my sad emotions and feelings,
the way I express my sadness and disappointments.
I'm not a perfect person too, I know I'm not a pretty person
in both physically and mentally. I always compare myself with
other people who are much prettier, which I wish I could just heck care about it,
but sometimes I couldn't help myself but to just entertain my weird overthinking
about my own appearance, which is ugly. I never had self confidence at all
ever since I am young. I hate myself for being myself, yeap.
But I'm quite happy and touched (terharu) bila ade jugak friends yang appreciate
our presence, its kinda rare situation to get that kind of compliment or appreciation
words, I love to see and hear people saying that. It's not only special one but a
meaningful thing in my life.

Shaa, remember I always be there for you even when no one is by your side, if you
need a friend to talk to, to hug and so forth, I'm here~ love youu! :')

Well, for my other friend which is the guy, I kinda felt disappointed, idky.
Time that I spent thinking about him all day and nights is just a waste and pointless
I guess...? Even though I missed him so much, I think he don't feel the same way as me.
(TBH: Im crying rn haha when I type this post...)
Hais what to do? Guys are guys, they only think about themselves.
I understand, I'm just a no one in someones life.
It feels good to know the truth although it hurts most of the time, haha.

I wish I can be stronger than ever.
Each time whenever I scroll thru the instagram stories and posts of my friends or strangers,
I tend to smile and frown. Maybe I felt a bit of jealous by looking at how close and intimate
are couples out there spending time together taking photos and selfies enjoying themselves
care free and loving each other by showing it in social medias, hais. I must say, I'm happy
for people like them, but sometimes I wish my life could be like theirs too? Hehe, neh it won't
happened. I know. Its' reality, fiqah.

Crying is always been a solution for me, when you talk to Allah, its the best solution to
talk out any problems you have in you, internally, externally, mentally, physically even
with friends. I admit, I felt like I'm no one's friend, I don't go parties, not invited to any birthday celebrations with friends, movies, dinner, lunch, library studying, shopping, lepak or any else except the ones I'm closed to.
Cause I'm a boring person.
I love to cry silently.
Yeap, I still remember my ex-supervisor advise, "Budak ni masih mentah".
Yeah, I know nothing ah basically, I am weak. I am stupid.
Sorry if my words are so negative. haha. Indeed, I am a bad influencer.

Even though I look nerdy af, I'm just a boring plain sandwich.
She has weird fillings (feelings) that no one could understand her?
She hates lettuce, so there are literally zero option for vegetables or tomatoes.
Drizzled with a plain mayo sauce but if she's on a happy mood (which is temporary & very rare!)    she would be choosing the honey mustard sauce where she felt that it's the
sweetest moment part of her life haha :)

Oh mai gawdd what am I even typing...
See? I'm a boring person.

I hope this year, would make me realise that I'm no longer young.
I'm getting older and I have to think more wiser.
Stop hoping things to get done, don't ever give too much hope on anything, mhmm.
It will only makes me feel upset and disappointed which I get used to it already.
I should not be trusting people too easily too, like dad said "...people take advantage."
You may see that its normal but yeah thats how things work out nowadays.
People use you.
Literally.

So, I hope this year I could save up my money, spend when I only wanted to.
Especially if it is a need, I have to buy it.
Probably just don't care what people wanna say about me anymore, how do I look and so on.
I am tired.
Of everything, hurm.

Everyday convos seems lesser and lesser, sick and tired of getting boring old plain messages.
Same. Indifferent. Similar. Ugh...
No one in my family understands me I guess. :l